


Open Your Eyes(See Me As I See You)

by likezoinxman



Series: Monster In The Dark [2]
Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Gen, M/M, Non Consensual, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-29
Updated: 2012-09-29
Packaged: 2017-11-15 07:34:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likezoinxman/pseuds/likezoinxman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>“I wanted to make you see. I wanted to make you see me, Logan.”</em> - It wasn’t supposed to happen again. Not like that. But Logan had flinched at his touch, wouldn’t look at him, and didn’t understand and James can’t quite help himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Open Your Eyes(See Me As I See You)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://shishi-fic.livejournal.com/5262.html) at my LJ.

When they were in their freshman year, James found himself failing algebra and he knew that if he wanted to join the school hockey team, he’d have to keep his grades up. But he just couldn’t wrap his mind around all the x’s and y’s and all the different formulas. He was just glad he had a genius friend who had a not-so secret love affair with Math. 

Logan was, of course, reluctant and kind of a bitch about it which was annoying but once he finally settled down to help James he exhibited a patience that James had never seen in Logan before- at least, in regards to himself. He never tried to make James feel stupid when he didn’t understand something. Just took a deep breath and worked an example problem, explaining each step as simply as he could until James understood and could do it on his own.

James eventually found himself paying more attention to Logan’s face than to what Logan was actually saying, watching his mouth move as he spoke, teeth occasionally dragging across his bottom lip. He squirmed a little in his seat at that, tongue slipping out to wet his lips unconsciously.

“James, are you even listening to me?”

Logan was suddenly looking at him, annoyance written clear across his face, “What?” James mumbled, blinking rapidly as he shook his head a little to clear it.

Logan made a small noise of irritation, “ _James_ , you’re the one that asked me to help you and you’re not even paying attention,” he admonished and James flushed slightly in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, this is just so boring. Let’s go do something else,” he said, quickly trying to change the subject hoping Logan would agree and they could do something more fun together. He had the sudden desire to spend as much time as he could with Logan without Kendall and Carlos around. 

But Logan shook his head, “Come on, James. I still have my own homework to do after this. If you want to stop for the day, though, that’s fine,” Logan said with a sigh, leaning back in his seat. “We can pick it up again tomorrow.”

James had forced a smile to hide his disappointment and nodded, “Okay.”

It took a while before he realized that he wanted Logan, wanted him in ways that one friend should never want another. But when he finally did, it took hold of him like nothing else besides his dream to become famous had before. 

And it was only then that he started to notice the way Logan looked at Kendall, hot jealousy coursing through his veins when Kendall looked back. 

James tried his hardest to get Logan to look at him like that, set up double dates so they could spend more time alone together, helping Logan shovel driveways for a little extra cash but no matter how hard he tried, Logan only ever seemed to see Kendall. 

And it hurt more than James ever thought possible to know that Logan would probably never see him the way he saw Logan.

——

The day after it happened, Logan had avoided him, sticking close to Kendall, Carlos, anybody that was around just so he wouldn’t be alone with James. And by the end of the day when he finally managed to find Logan alone, he was hunched over a book at his desk in their room, earphones in his ears. 

Nerves and guilt twisted with the want and desire that welled up in him at the sight of the other boy and James felt queasy as he closed the door to their room behind him and walked over to sit at the foot of Logan’s bed. 

“Logan.”

The boy didn’t acknowledge him, keeping his eyes trained on the page of his book. But James could see that he wasn’t really reading.

“Logan, please. I’m sorry, okay? Just look at me, please,” he begged, leaning forward fervently, but still Logan made no move. James noticed how his breathing quickened though, chest rising and falling rapidly as he kept his eyes down.

“I know you can hear me,” James continued, because he knew that even if Logan was listening to music he never listened to it too loudly, not wanting to damage his hearing. He felt his patience running out and annoyance swelled in his chest when Logan continued to ignore him. He didn’t think before he reached forward, snatching the book from the desk and throwing it to the floor, pages fluttering as it flew across the room “And I know you’re not reading.””

Logan flinched but still didn’t look at him, breathe now coming in short quick pants and James lost it completely. He grabbed the armrest of Logan’s chair and swiveled him around to face him. “Look at me, dammit!”

Logan glanced at James in fear briefly, before his eyes skittered away. Guilt and anger twisted in James’ gut and he pulled Logan’s chair towards him aggressively, spreading his legs to get Logan as close to him as he could. He reached forward and grabbed Logan’s chin, forcing the other boy to look at him. He felt Logan flinch at his touch and his grip tightened, fingers digging into the soft skin of Logan’s face.

“Look at me,” he gritted out, voice low and demanding. Logan flinched again as he reached over with his other hand and pulled the earphones from Logan’s ear, tossed them to the side. They dangled over the side of the chair, Logan’s music player still in his pocket.

He jerked Logan’s head slightly when the other boy still refused to do what he said, staring off to the side of James head. Logan let out a small sound, almost a whimper before his eyes slowly slid across to meet his. 

“James, please…” Logan pleaded softly, brown eyes shining with unshed tears. The words were like a blow to James and he gasped softly as they echoed in his mind. Logan had begged in the exact same way the night before and he felt a pang in his chest. 

He shook his head gently and loosened his grip, a small reassuring smile gently curving his lips. “It’s okay. I just want to talk, okay?” he said softly, his thumb gently caressing Logan’s jaw. 

Logan nodded jerkily, “O-okay…”

James stared into Logan’s eyes before he inhaled slowly, letting it out in a rush before the words spilled from his mouth. “I’m sorry, Logan. I didn’t mean for last night to happen. I didn’t want it to happen, not like that.”

Logan was silent for a long moment staring at James in disbelief before he finally seemed to find his words. He violently brushed James’ hand away from his face, “Is that supposed to make it all better? Do you think it changes what you did do?” The words were spoken angrily and James was the one left flinching that time as he shook his head quickly.

“No, of course it doesn’t. I just...” He trailed off, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes briefly as he searched for the right words to explain. He knew nothing he said would make it right, but he wanted Logan to understand. “Logan, I just love you so much. I wanted to make you see. I wanted to make you see me, Logan.”

Logan shook his head slightly, obviously confused and James hated that even now Logan didn’t understand, didn’t see. “What are you talking about?”

James growled in frustration, running a hand quickly through his hair, “You never look at me, Logan. I’ve tried for so long to get your attention but all you see is him. I just wanted you to see me.” 

“I do see you…I don’t understand- what do you want from me, James…?”

“ _Look_ at me, Logan. I just want you to see _me_. What’s right _here_.” He snatched Logan’s hand up in his and pressed it against his chest, over his pounding heart.

Logan looked at him, eyes wide in fear and confusion. “I do- I do see you, James, but I don’t know what I’m looking at anymore…”

James felt like crying because Logan still didn’t seem to understand. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Logan was supposed to love him back. And maybe if he had been a little more patient, he could’ve won Logan’s heart eventually. But he had fucked up and now everything was ruined, tainted and wrong and he would never be able to fix it. 

He swallowed thickly, eyes burning with unshed tears and suddenly leaned forward, bracing himself on the armrests of Logan’s chair as his mouth collided with Logan’s violently. He ignored the sudden taste of blood in his mouth along with the muffled sound of protest from Logan and pressed closer. He grabbed Logan’s hands when they scrabbled for purchase against his chest and shoulders, trying to push him away and pinned them against the armrests as he moved to straddle Logan’s lap. 

The chair made a sound of distress under the added weight, but James ignored that as well, biting Logan’s bottom lip sharply to get him to open up for him. Logan pulled back though, turning his head aside to break free. 

“James, please, stop…” he gasped, voice hoarse with fear and desperation. He struggled against James’ grip, body jerking forward in an attempt to buck James off. 

But James just shook his head, leaning forward to press kisses along Logan’s cheek, “Let me make it up to you, Logan. I promise I’ll make you feel good…” he whispered into his ear, tongue flicking out to trace the outer shell of Logan’s ear. 

James felt Logan shudder against him and jerked his head away, “You don’t have to make anything up to me. It’s fine, just let me go, please…” 

“Just give me a chance, Logan, please,” James begged, he lifted Logan’s arms from the armrest and brought them together, grabbing both wrists in one hand and holding them tightly against his chest as he cupped Logan’s jaw with the other. He ran his thumb along Logan’s bottom lip before he leaned in for a kiss, gently pressing lips against the other boy’s while Logan tried to turn his head away, arms trying to tug free from his grasp. 

One hand eventually managed to slip free from James’ grasp and he immediately swung, catching James on the side of the head. James groaned and leaned back in surprise and pain, and Logan pushed him off his lap. He landed in a heap, head pounding slightly from the blow. He shook it off and scrambled to his feet quickly, grabbing Logan by the back of his shirt before he could get too far, his fingers gripping tight at the fabric as he yanked him back. 

Logan cried out and spun around, arms swinging but James was prepared this time and managed to duck out of the way. He wrapped his arms around Logan’s waist, spinning him around so James was holding him from behind. 

Still Logan struggled, arms and legs flailing in an attempt to get free. James grunted as he struggled to catch Logan’s wrist in his hands, forcing the other boy to hug himself when he finally did.

“Stop,” he demanded, whispering harshly into Logan’s ear. He didn’t want to hurt Logan, but he would if he had to. And he said as much, speaking in a low dangerous tone and immediately Logan stopped squirming against him, breathing heavily.

“I promise, I won’t- I won’t tell anyone, James. Just let me go and w-we can forget any of this happened.”

He buried his face in the crook of Logan’s shoulder, taking a deep breath, eyes shut tight, “But I don’t want to forget, Logan. I’ve wanted you for so long and now that I know what it’s like to have you, to hold you in my arms, I can’t just let that go,” he murmured against Logan’s neck, rocking his hips firmly against Logan’s backside.

He felt Logan stiffen in his arms, hearing him swallow before taking a deep breath. “Please don’t do this, James,” he whispered brokenly causing something to twist in James’ chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around Logan’s torso, squeezing him gently before releasing him. 

Logan stumbled forward slightly and whirled around to face him, eyes wide with confusion and relief. The small smile that had formed on his face slipped away when James took a step forward, the look in his eyes shifting, fear replacing the relief.

James reached up to gently cup Logan’s cheek, the sharp sting of rejection piercing through James chest when Logan once again flinched at his touch. His temper flared once more and he roughly grabbed a handful of Logan’s hair, jerking him forward before pushing him back.

Logan winced, crying out softly as he stumbled back, stopping when the back of his legs hit the edge of his bed. He teetered slightly, hands reaching out for James to catch himself. But James just slapped his hands away and shoved at his chest hard, quickly climbing onto the bed as Logan bounced on the mattress. 

James once again struggled to get Logan’s limbs under control as the smaller boy fought against him, pushing and shoving, body trying to wiggle out from James’. “Get off!” Logan yelled loudly and James was glad that no one else was home because it would’ve had everyone running to see what was wrong. 

James sat down heavily on Logan’s thighs to keep him from kicking out as he fought to grab Logan’s arms once again before Logan could get another hit in. He finally caught Logan’s wrists and pinned them down to the bed by his head, leaning heavily on him, “Calm down. I don’t want to hurt you,” he panted out heavily against Logan’s face. 

He moved Logan’s arms until he’s crushing both of the other boy’s wrists together in one hand once more, pinning them above his head as his other hand roughly tugged at Logan’s belt. He ignored Logan’s pleading and quickly unbuckled and opened Logan’s jeans, pushing them along with Logan’s underwear down as much as he can in his position. 

Logan started to fight back again then, “No,” he yelled, body squirming as he made futile attempts at freeing his hands. James let out a growl and grabbed Logan by the hip, lifting his own weight off the other boy and releasing his arms so he could flip Logan over. He settled back down on Logan’s thighs immediately, one hand pressed down against the middle of Logan’s shoulders. 

“James, stop, please,” Logan cried out, voice slightly muffled by his pillow. His arms reached back awkwardly trying to get at James but James just captured them once more in his grip, holding them in one hand against Logan’s lower back as he struggled with taking Logan’s pants off completely.

It took some maneuvering but he finally got Logan’s legs free from the confining articles of clothing. He let out a huff of breath and turned around to grab at Logan’s shoulder, scooting further down his legs as he pulled him up to his knees. He grabbed the hem of Logan’s shirt and lifted it roughly; pulling it off and throwing it to the side before he pushed Logan back down onto the bed. 

The fight seemed to have gone out of Logan because he just lay there, body trembling as he let it happen without a sound other than his rapid breathing. Logan shuddered and made a small noise low in his throat when James ran his hand down Logan’s back, nails gently dragging down against the skin.

“Don’t move,” James ordered, leaning across to the small dresser between their beds. He opened the first drawer and fumbled around blindly with one hand, his other pressing down on Logan’s back to keep him in place just in case. He finally found what he was looking for and sat up, placing it on the bed beside him.

He pulled his shirt off before he set to work on opening his pants as quick as he could with one hand, lifting himself to push and kick them off before he pushed Logan’s legs apart and settled down between them. 

He grabbed the small bottle of lube he’d retrieved from the drawer and squeezed a generous amount of it onto his fingers, rubbing them together a little before he reached down and circled Logan’s entrance with his forefinger gently before pushing in. 

Logan grunted at the intrusion and whimpered shakily, hips shifting slightly but otherwise does nothing and James pressed down on his lower back to hold him still, thrusting his finger deeper into Logan’s unwilling body. He tried to be patient, curling his finger inside Logan to stretch him properly before adding a second one. He palmed his erection, imagining how good it would feel to sink into Logan, to feel him squeezing tightly around his cock. 

He let out a small moan and added a third finger, spreading them to stretch Logan further. His patience was running out and he pulled his fingers out quickly. He nudged Logan’s legs as far apart as he could and positioned himself at his entrance. 

He heard Logan whimper as the tip of his cock breached his entrance and he paused, holding still to let Logan adjust. He didn’t want to hurt Logan, not this time. He knew he had hurt him the night before because he had lost control. But he was determined to make it better this time. And then maybe Logan would understand and be able to see him like James wanted him to. 

“Shh,” he hushed gently, petting the small of Logan’s back, “It’ll be okay, Logan. Just relax…”

Logan shuddered against his touch and twisted as much as he could to peer over his shoulder at James, cheeks wet with tears, “Don’t do this, James, _please_ ,” he pleaded weakly, “You don’t have to do this.” 

James chuckled self-deprecatingly, because obviously he did have to do this. How else was he going to get Logan to understand him? “I won’t hurt you this time, I promise.”

“But you _are_ hurting me, James,” Logan cried out vehemently and James flinched at the words, “No matter how _gentle_ you think you’re being you’re still hurting me.”

James scowled, “If you’d just relax and open your eyes then I wouldn’t _have_ to hurt you,” he growled out, thrusting into Logan quick and hard to make his point. The scream that erupted from Logan’s throat sent a chill down his spine and he immediately regretted his actions. 

Logan pressed his face into the pillow, arms coming up to wrap around his head protectively as his body was wracked with sobs. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” James whispered in a rush, leaning over Logan’s back. He gently ran his hand up and down Logan’s side, pressing kiss after kiss across Logan’s shoulders and upper back. 

“Don’t touch me,” Logan hissed, shoulders jerking away from his touch. James sighed, guilt washing over him and pressed his forehead to Logan’s shoulder blade.

“Tell me what I can do to make it better.”

“Nothing you do will ever make this better, James. Just get it over with already…”

James closed his eyes against the defeated tone in Logan’s voice and cursed himself for fucking it all up again. With a small shake of his head, he pushed himself onto his knees, hands stroking down the length of Logan’s back soothingly. 

“On your knees,” he suddenly ordered, grabbing Logan’s hips and pulling him up when the other boy didn’t move fast enough for him. His hand slid around to Logan’s chest where he briefly pinched a nipple, loving the small noise Logan made before his hand slipped down to grip Logan’s limp cock gently. 

Logan tensed around him, body shaking gently as James stroked him fast and rough until his length hardened in his grip. James grinned in satisfaction when Logan whimpered softly, ducking his head down as his hips rocked forward gently into his hand. 

“Good boy,” he murmured, leaning over to press a soft kiss to the back of Logan’s neck, feeling him shudder under his touch. He ran his other hand down the tense lines of Logan’s back once more stopping at his waist as he straightened. 

He placed both hands on Logan’s hips, thumbs pressing into the small of his back as he pulled his hips back with a low moan, cock slowly sliding out of Logan’s body and slowly pushed back in. Logan felt more amazing that he remembered if that was possible, a tight hot heat gripping his cock. 

He tilted his head down, chin resting against his chest as he watched, savoring each slick slide of his dick in and out of the body before him. The muffled grunts and whimpers Logan emitted into the pillow went straight to his groin, and he thrust into Logan harder than he intended.

Another sharp thrust and Logan cried out sharply, body tensing, “You’re hurting me, James, you said you wouldn’t,” he said, jaw set firmly as he looked over his shoulder at James. 

James’ hips stuttered to a stop at the words and he swallowed thickly, nodding. He eased the force of his thrusts and draped himself over Logan’s back, nuzzling at the hair at the back of his head, “You just feel so good, Logie, so tight,” he murmured as his hips rocked against Logan’s in a gentle rhythm. 

He reached around once more and wrapped his hand around Logan’s cock, finding it only half-hard. He stroked him to full hardness again as Logan shook his head, “Don’t,” he muttered, hips jerking slightly against his own. 

He pressed a kiss to Logan’s jaw, sucking on the skin lightly, “Come on. Let me make you feel good too,” he murmured, squeezing Logan’s cock gently as he tugged on it. 

Logan shuddered and shook his head again but rocked into James fist anyway, hips moving back to meet his. James let out a small moan against Logan’s shoulder and smiled briefly before he began moving his hips again. 

He rocked gently into Logan, stroking Logan in time with his thrusts. He was determined to keep his promise and make this as good as he could for the smaller boy.

“Stop it, please,” Logan moaned out, shaking his head vigorously before he leaned down and pressed his face against the pillow once more. He let out a broken sob, his entire body shaking as he spilled over onto James’ hand. 

James groaned against Logan’s shoulder, kissing it sloppily as Logan’s inner muscles squeezed around his cock. He trailed kisses along Logan’s shoulder, pressing his forehead against the center of his back between his shoulder blades as he slowly but forcefully thrust into Logan. His arms snuck around Logan’s waist, holding him close as he moaned against his skin, eyes shut tight as he moved against him, hips picking up speed as he felt his orgasm building low in his groin. 

He let out a low groan as he shuddered out his release, mouthing gently at Logan’s back. He doesn’t move for a moment afterward and just held Logan close as he gasped for breath then slowly pulled out, unwrapping his arms from around Logan’s waist. 

Logan fell limp onto the bed with a small moan. James reached down and ran his fingers through Logan’s sweat-damp hair, before he grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around. Logan stared up at him dully, “Just tell me what you want, James…” he whispered distantly.

James sighed heavily, chest tight with emotion as he realized that Logan still didn’t understand. He reached out and gently ran the back of his fingers along the underside of Logan’s jaw, “I want you to be mine, Logan. Okay?”

Logan stared up at James blankly before he gave a quick jerk of a nod, and letting out a shuddery breath, he whispered, voice dead, “Okay, James.”


End file.
